Connection Before Direction
Edition 47: Build cooperation through connection, not commands
“Connection before direction.” This simple but powerful principle, from the excellent book Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, paves the way for seamless cooperation from your little ones.
The idea is to connect with your child before issuing a direction or request. Give your child a hug, engage in some small talk, or read a book first, and then ask him to help set the table or get his pajamas on. A quick connection makes for more receptive responses.
It’s Not Just for Kids
You probably do this all the time as an adult.
For example, when I needed my mother-in-law’s help with Hayden’s birthday party, I didn’t begin the conversation with a command or request. Rather, I connected first with some small talk. Only then did I ask if she could pick up some balloons. She was happy to help.
With kids, it’s the same process: connect then direct (or request).
The Moment It Clicked
I was reminded of this principle at exactly the right moment.
For as long as I can remember, I read books with Hayden in the morning before getting him ready for the day. He loved it. So did I. It was a ritual we both looked forward to.
However, once Marie was born, I felt pressed for time. So I cut the morning reading with Hayden. I figured that saving a few minutes would quicken the morning routine.
Wrong.
Helping Hayden get ready for the day didn’t get easier. It got harder and took longer. Worse, we didn’t have our special time first thing in the morning—a time that we both cherished.
Fortunately, this was short lived.
I happened to be listening to Hold On to Your Kids at the time when I learned about “connection before direction.” It struck a chord. The next morning, I reinstated morning storytime. Marie joined us. It’s been this way ever since. It’s our way of connecting before getting down to business of getting ready for the day.
Of course that means our morning routine takes 10 to 15 minutes longer. But what we get in return is priceless.
These are some of the best minutes of my day. Marie is on one knee, Hayden is on the other and we read a few books and give a lot of hugs. Only then do we get ready for the day. And doing so goes far smoother once we’ve had time to connect.
Before the Task, Make the Connection
Connecting first is a useful tactic to use throughout the day, including tasks that need to be completed. Consider this recent example. It was almost dinnertime and I wanted Hayden’s help in the kitchen. He was in the living room playing a matching game. After a brief conversation about his game, I asked for his help. Like magic, he paused what he was doing, got up and held my hand, as we walked to the kitchen together.
When you take a moment to connect before giving a direction, everything flows more smoothly—fewer struggles, more cooperation, and most importantly, a deeper bond.